How to Support Someone You Love Who Is Struggling With Alcohol or Substance Use
Watching someone you love struggle with alcohol or substance use can be incredibly painful.
You may feel worried, frustrated, angry, helpless, or confused. You might find yourself constantly wondering what you should say, whether you should confront them, or how you can convince them to get help.
You may also feel like you're walking on eggshells with trying to support them while worrying that saying the wrong thing could push them away.
There is no perfect way to handle a loved one's substance use. However, there are ways to offer support while also protecting your own well-being.
Remember That You Can't Force Someone to Change
One of the most difficult parts of loving someone who is struggling with alcohol or substance use is recognizing that you cannot make them change.
You may desperately want them to stop drinking or using drugs. You may see the consequences more clearly than they do. You may have had the same conversation with them multiple times.
But ultimately, lasting change has to involve their willingness to make changes.
This doesn't mean you should ignore concerning behavior or pretend that everything is okay. It simply means recognizing the limits of your control.
You can offer support.
You can communicate your concerns.
You can encourage treatment.
But you cannot do the work of recovery for someone else.
Choose the Right Time to Talk
If you want to talk to someone about their alcohol or substance use, timing matters.
Whenever possible, try to have the conversation when they are sober and when both of you have time to talk without distractions.
Approaching someone while they are intoxicated or during an argument may make it more difficult to have a productive conversation.
Try to focus on your concerns rather than immediately labeling them as an "addict" or accusing them of having a problem.
For example, you might say:
"I've noticed that you've been drinking more lately, and I'm worried about you."
"I care about you, and I've noticed that alcohol seems to be affecting your mood and relationships."
"I've been feeling concerned about some things I've noticed, and I'd like to talk about them with you."
Using specific examples and expressing concern can often be more productive than criticizing or making accusations.
Try to Avoid Shame and Blame
It can be incredibly frustrating to watch someone continue using substances when you can clearly see the consequences.
You may feel tempted to say things like:
"Why can't you just stop?"
"You're ruining your life."
"You care more about alcohol than you care about your family."
While these feelings are understandable, shame and criticism often make difficult conversations even harder.
Substance use is complex, and many people already experience significant guilt and shame about their behavior.
You can communicate that you are concerned about someone's behavior without attacking them as a person.
Try to separate the person you love from the substance use that is causing concern.
Listen When They Are Willing to Talk
Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is listen.
If your loved one opens up about their substance use, try to resist the urge to immediately jump into problem-solving.
You might ask:
"How have you been feeling about your drinking lately?"
"Have you ever thought about making changes?"
"What do you think alcohol is doing for you right now?"
"What feels difficult about cutting back?"
These questions can create space for an honest conversation.
Listening does not mean agreeing with or approving of someone's behavior. It means creating an opportunity for them to talk openly without immediately feeling judged.
Encourage Professional Support
If your loved one is open to getting help, encourage them to explore available support.
Depending on their needs, this could include:
Individual therapy
Substance use treatment
Support groups
Medical care
Medication-assisted treatment
Outpatient or inpatient programs
The appropriate level of care will depend on the person's individual situation and the substance they are using.
If someone is physically dependent on alcohol or certain drugs, suddenly stopping can sometimes lead to dangerous withdrawal symptoms. In these situations, medical guidance may be necessary.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Supporting someone does not mean sacrificing your own well-being.
Healthy boundaries may include deciding:
What behavior you are and are not willing to tolerate
Whether you will be around someone while they are intoxicated
Whether you will allow substances in your home
Whether you are willing to provide money if you are concerned it may be used to purchase substances
How you will respond to unsafe or harmful behavior
Boundaries are not meant to punish someone.
They are meant to protect your well-being and create clarity about what you need in the relationship.
A boundary focuses on what you will do, rather than trying to control another person's behavior.
For example:
Instead of:
"You are not allowed to drink anymore."
You might say:
"If you have been drinking, I am not comfortable having this conversation. I will talk with you when you are sober."
Be Careful About Taking on Too Much Responsibility
When someone you love is struggling with substance use, it can be easy for their problem to become the center of your life.
You may find yourself:
Constantly checking on them
Trying to monitor their substance use
Covering for them
Making excuses for their behavior
Fixing problems caused by their use
Feeling responsible for keeping everything together
Over time, this can become emotionally exhausting.
Supporting someone does not mean you have to take responsibility for the consequences of their choices.
It is okay to step back when you need to.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
Loving someone who is struggling with alcohol or substance use can take an emotional toll.
You deserve support as well.
Consider:
Talking with a therapist
Connecting with trusted friends or family
Joining a support group for loved ones
Making time for activities that help you recharge
Learning more about boundaries and substance use
Recognizing when you need to step away from a stressful situation
Taking care of yourself does not mean you are giving up on the person you love.
It means recognizing that your well-being matters, too.
Know When Immediate Help Is Needed
There are situations where immediate action may be necessary.
Seek emergency help if someone:
Is unconscious or difficult to wake
Is having difficulty breathing
Appears to be experiencing an overdose
Is experiencing severe confusion or other concerning medical symptoms
Has expressed an immediate intention to harm themselves or someone else
If you believe someone is experiencing a medical emergency or overdose, call 911 immediately.
You Can Support Someone Without Carrying Their Recovery
When someone you love is struggling with alcohol or substance use, it's natural to want to do everything you can to help.
But one of the most important things to remember is that you are not responsible for fixing them.
You can offer love.
You can communicate honestly.
You can encourage them to seek help.
You can set boundaries.
And you can take care of yourself along the way.
Recovery is a personal journey, but no one has to navigate it alone.
Support Is Available for Both of You
If someone you love is struggling with alcohol or substance use, therapy can provide a supportive space to better understand what is happening and explore your options.
At Mountain Laurel Wellness, we provide compassionate, individualized therapy for individuals struggling with substance use as well as those navigating the impact of a loved one's substance use.
Whether you are concerned about your own relationship with alcohol or drugs, or trying to support someone you love, you don't have to figure it out alone. Reach out today.